I was too tired to post this last night but here is what I wrote late last night:
I finally got admitted around 8:00 pm tonight. I get started right away with chemo and transfusions. I need platelets and red blood.
Today was frustrating. They have had a national shortage of the line I was supposed to get – called a Hickman. So they decided to do another picc line and tried twice in one arm and once in the other before finally getting a partial line. So anyways, because nothing really worked, I will be getting a different type of central line tomorrow. The picc nurse has also said I am no longer a candidate for future picc lines.
It has already been a long day but I will be up a lot tonight to get everything done.
I already miss my family. I’ve started to make my room a home for the next few weeks. My brother put up photos of the family (especially Fiona). I’ve got pictures of her from her NICU days, her first food, her first Halloween, and even the picture we used to announce our pregnancy. And of course there are tons of her from the past few weeks.
Sometimes I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread. As the transplant gets closer, my depression and anxiety get worse. I’m fighting back but there are so many things happening that I’ve had no chance to process.
I’m probably feeling the blues for tons of reasons but the big one is that it’s really been emphasized over the past few weeks that I may be unable to conceive again because of the chemo and radiation. No one really spoke to me about how big the odds are or the fact that we should have been doing egg retrieval over the past few months. When I finally found out, we would have had to postpone the transplant. We decided not to do that.
I need to be well for the family I already have. We went through fertility treatments before and I know the medications can wreak havoc both physically and psychologically. This would be an extreme version of fertility treatments with more and stronger medications. I think it would be really hard to go through that right now given everything else happening.
Aside from that issue, there is a lot to process. I’ll be losing my hair in a few weeks so that’s fun. I’m also sad that once I am home I won’t be capable of taking care of Fiona. I’m so grateful my Mother-In-Law is here to do it.I just wish I had the strength to do everything. Aside from that, processing the treatment I am receiving and accepting how sick I have been is difficult as well.
Anyway, I will try to write more tomorrow. It will be chemo day two and ATG day one. We will be at -4 days prior to the transplant. They count that way for the transplant with the day that happens being Day 0 and then the following days are +1,+2, etc…
Oh! before I forget, the address to send me cards or anything is:
3181 Sam Jackson Park Road
Jennine Stoia, 14K, room #1
Portland, OR 97239
I have cell service and can be reached on my phone.
I hope you are all doing well.