My heart feels like it is slowly breaking as I mentally prepare for being in the hospital for at least a month. I have trouble listening to Fiona crying when I have to go to the bedroom to take medications or when we left for our date this past weekend. She is so sad and can’t understand why I disappear. I think about what it will be like when I leave and don’t come back for a month or more. How do I explain this to her? How will she understand that I love her and I am doing this so I can be with my family for a long time?
She will have both grandmas and Daddy around and we will try to Skype every day. I’m told if I am doing well enough, she can visit me in the family room and then we will attempt visits twice a week.
I just can’t imagine going for days and weeks without her. When she wakes up in the morning, she smiles because she is so happy to see me. We read books and she sits on my lap. When we go for walks and she puts her hand up for me to hold it and when she trusts me to keep her from falling, my heart just overflows with love for her. Her laugh is precious and her curiosity and growth make me so proud.
I don’t know how to explain the love I feel for her but I feel so sad that she won’t understand why her mama is just suddenly gone. What if we are never as close again as we are now? What if she doesn’t demand to sit in my lap and make me read stories to her? What if she is shy to be around me and doesn’t always have to be next to me? What if she doesn’t trust me to keep her from falling? What if she can’t fall asleep as I sing to her because my voice is foreign?
I know with Skype and with the potential visits it isn’t as dire as I feel like it is. But my heart can’t seem to get in line with that and I cry every night. When things are quiet and she is napping or in bed for the night, that’s when I have time to think about this and I fall apart. I just wish there was a way to explain it to her.
I am so grateful Denise will be here to be her caregiver. I trust her Grandma to care for her and love her and I know she will be safe and happy.
I just wish we were facing different circumstances. I wish none of this was happening and in my weakest moments I ask why this is happening and think about how unfair this all is. Without Zack’s steadfast heart and his comfort I don’t know how I would keep myself going. I love my family so deeply and they are the only way I can find strength to do this. I know we will get through this but it is so hard and sometimes I am so tired. I wish I felt stronger.